Tag Archives: doubt

Faithful with this moment

 As 2015 has begun, I’ve been filled with this desire to be faithful to God.  But what does that mean?

As I’ve reflected on all the uncertainty in my own life and the world, I continue to struggle with trusting God with the future and what is beyond my knowing.  When I picture the future, my wildest dreams still sometimes tend toward anxiety, and I begin to worry, doubt, fear, and breed resentment.  I know these are not faithful feelings, and I worry that I’m just not cut out for this life of faith.

Awning and lights in Paris, France.  All photos by Evan Schneider.
Awning and lights in Paris, France. All photos by Evan Schneider.

But I’ve also realized something.  When my daughter cries, I turn without thinking to wrap her in my arms.  When a student in front of me needs counsel, I listen intently and reply with carefully chosen words.  When those around me are hurting or in need, I lift them up in prayer, and I strive to serve them.

When it comes to one moment, I think I can be faithful.  I can be faithful with this moment rather than fearful of what I do not know.  And suddenly faithfulness becomes not something unattainable or fleeting, but a daily practice of breathing and walking with the God of this moment.  

A couple days ago I found myself saying to a tearful student in my office,  “I know at this moment, you have no idea what decision you will make in the future and how you will make it.  But you are a capable person.  You are doing everything you can to gather all the information and be prepared to make a good decision.  Therefore, I trust and believe that you will make a good one when the time  comes.”

The River Seine at night.
The River Seine at night.

I love saying those words.  

I love letting others know that when the world and uncertainty fill them with doubt and fear, there is reason to trust otherwise.  I love believing in a God who is invested so deeply in our lives, in making us capable, faithful people, rather than leaving us to our own devices.  And I love knowing that faithfulness isn’t just about some lofty goal or distant future, but is the stuff of now, of taking care of this moment, with God never far away.

Now, if I could only listen to my own advice…

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God can take it

I don’t know about you, but for me it’s been a particularly sobering Advent.

While we’ve entered this season of hopeful expectation sometimes I feel positively hopeless in the face of racial injustice, gun violence, and torture at the hands of our own government.  I want to believe that God is doing a new thing, but I am doubtful amidst the evils of the world.  My faith fails me.  I do not wait faithfully.  Instead, I heave great sighs, I mourn, I turn away from God.

But do you know what I’ve realized?

God can take it.

God can take our anger, our sorrow, our pain, even our distrust.  In a poignant reflection, Alece Ronzino talks about how even after several years of what she calls “spiritual detox,” God was still there, big enough to take her rejection, her skepticism, and her doubt.

Sure, Advent is our season of hopeful expectation in the Church, where we prepare our hearts for Jesus, where we wait as the ancient world once did for the birth of a savior, but isn’t it just as much about how God waits on us, faithfully and patiently, no matter how often we turn away in fear, anger, or sadness?  Even as the prophets and the kings and the ordinary people in the Old Testament waited on God, God out-waited them.  God out-waited their faithless acts, their petulance, their mistakes, and their fears.  Despite them, God made something new, God brought a savior to this world, God redeemed and redeems, so don’t you think God can take it?

Washington, DC.  Fall 2014.  Photo by Evan Schneider.
Washington, DC. Fall 2014. Photo by Evan Schneider.

Sometimes I think we are the ones who can’t take it–we can’t take the paralyzing intimacy that God desires of us.  We’re the ones who back away, not only from God, but from one another, convinced that it would be better to give up, than to be failed or to fail one another.

But God does not fail us.

God waits on this world just as God prepared the ancient one for thousands of years.  God’s love is steadfast.  And no matter our sinfulness or our betrayal, God does not turn from us, but rather accepts, forgives, and waits out our indiscretion.  So as God waits on us and this fallen world, what would it be like this Advent if instead of turning from God, we turned toward God with all our anger, sadness, pain, fear, doubt, and even indifference?  What if we threw all of our hopes and fears onto God and waited for God to do a new thing in and amongst us?

God can take it.

Provision

So if you’re like me, you have a pretty public blog, where you post about your mountaintop moments in life and in faith, and where you (rather subconsciously) try to minimize the doubting that goes on in the shadows, because that’s not really so compelling, nor is it the stuff that good, religious folks are all about.

Princeton in the fall. Looking forward to this!

But, as it turns out, we live in the shadows, rather than on the mountaintops, and I’m pretty sure nobody’s good and religious and faithful all the time…

…except God.  And thank God for that!

Valleys and mountains all wrapped into one in Guangxi, Zhongliu village. Photo by Evan Schneider.

You see in the midst of the missing-China-blues, the listlessness that I can’t quite explain or shake, the doubts that did make the blog, and the ones that didn’t, God’s been working  silently, heroically, and with a sense of humor, like only God does and can, to squash those doubts to pieces.

Because it just can’t be a coincidence that in only two weeks of moving into our housing complex in the US that I’ve met an amazing couple with a baby with special needs, another neighbor couple just moving from Hong Kong, and yet another neighbor couple who is…Chinese!

Do you ever feel just totally ridiculous for making your fears larger than life, larger than God, for feeling paralyzed, for doubting for a hot second that God isn’t all in this and through this life with God’s hands down in our muck in a powerful, powerful way?  And isn’t it just the best feeling, to be so, so wrong about a God that is so deeply faithful?

A view of the Princeton campus nestled between trees.

Okay, this is another mountaintop post, and I sort of apologize for that.

But if you hear anything today from me, hear that I’m a mess and God is faithful, and that’s the stuff of shadows shot through with light and meaning in the madness.

And praise God, with me, for God is faithful!