If we were having coffee this morning, I would tell you that we’re entering the fourth week of my course at the seminary, and it’s already been such an incredibly rewarding, exciting experience. The most fulfilling part is that I don’t feel like I have to sell the students on the fact that culture, family, and ministry go together. They believe that twenty-first century ministry is all about embracing and negotiating difference, and they’ve been so affirming over email, coffee, and in person that this is a course that they need: praise God!
I would also admit that when it comes to my dissertation, I’ve been working hard, but it feels like the writing is being cobbled together, and all the cracks are showing. I’m trying to be brave and believe that even in academia, we can let some of these cracks show, learn from one another, and find grace in life’s seemingly most unyielding moments. I’ll let you know how that one works out…
It’s Chinese New Year in my other home these days, and despite the fireworks and the fanfares, for the foster families in Guangxi it’s often a difficult time of year as the weather turns wet, cold, and unrelenting. A wise NGO worker I knew once pointed out that for children in orphanages this is the loneliest time of year, when they’re reminded they have no family to celebrate, no grandparents to travel home to. I’m praying for protection and warmth and possibility for the foster families and healing, love, and peace for all the children. Happy Year of the Snake!
As for me and God, we’re just hanging out. No agendas, just me accepting and reveling in God’s unconditional love.
This week I realized that despite how wonderfully God is integrating my academic and my spiritual lives in this course at the seminary, in conversations with colleagues and professors, and even in my dissertation writing, I had become restless. In my prayers, I was setting an agenda for the time I was carving out. Instead of simply rejoicing with God, I’d moved on in my mind to what was next, to how this all could possibly be so neatly integrated in a future in which I’d be forced to choose between academia and ministry.
But it’s not my job, it’s never been my job, to hold all those pieces together…it’s God’s.
And I hear God saying firmly, let me do my job and just let me be with you. (It’s a thrilling revelation by the way, when you realize the almighty God just wants to be with you!) And when I let God pour God’s peace into me, filling me to the brim, I’m not only reminded that my plans and agendas are the stuff of this world, but also that God’s peace makes me a better pastor and professor. It’s funny how God volunteers to carry our burdens but we’re the ones who keep snatching them away.
When I look back on God’s deft work in just one month of 2013 here, I am amazed at what God can do! I’m amazed at how God led me to simple, integrating goals that were refusing agendas from the very first days of this year, and how those represent God’s hand and God’s promise to continue integrating all these different parts of my call in powerful ways. I’m amazed at how whole I feel here in this place when months ago, just returning from China and listless, I wondered if that was even worth praying for.
It’s amazing how productive God can be if we just leave the agendas, the goals, and the making us whole thing to God.