In secret

I remember very vividly being a young girl and sitting in the pews at church and listening to the high school students talk about their experiences traveling to far off, exotic places, like North Carolina, for conferences or service trips.  Mostly, I remember a phrase they oft-repeated that made me bristle and recoil, which was, “you just wouldn’t understand if you weren’t there.”  

Inside a church in Yunnan province, China. Photo by Evan Schneider.

You see, I looked forward to youth Sunday, to hearing from the big kids about what it means to go out and serve God, and I always wondered why they took their place at the pulpit if they knew it was humanly impossible to explain to us homebodies what it meant to go where they went and do what they did.

Many years later I’ve had many the humbling privilege to travel across the world to serve God, and it is certainly is hard to find the words.  And my first impulse (extrovert that I am) is to assume that I’m feeling out of sorts because I’m not talking about my experiences enough.

Some of those conversations have been heartening, others frustrating.  I don’t want to sum up my experience in silly stories and soundbytes, and sometimes I’m left with the empty feeling that I’ve misrepresented China, the people, and the depth of my experience there.  Perhaps this is how zealous evangelists feel when they’ve only managed to choke out the bare bones outline of sin and salvation, rather than the whole of Jesus’ ministry, its impact on them, and the weight of the cross.

But I’ve always wondered, like the kids on youth Sunday in front of the church, on whose behalf those evangelists were really speaking.  And a couple days ago, as I began to pour over my fieldnotes in a quiet corner of a brightly lit room alongside other graduate students, I was transported back to the dirt roads of China’s countrysides and the moms and the dads and the children who have touched me there.  I fought back tears, but inside something felt full and honest and right with my heart the way it hasn’t been since I returned (despite the fact that I was crying in a room full of people).

A foster father in Guilin with just a few of many, many children he has taken in over the years.

And I realized that Jesus also calls us into a secret place, a place where the Father sees and knows our hearts and will “reward us openly” (Matthew 6:6).  What I have been missing in my own efforts to readjust to this place and this culture is the prayer and the communion that God provides, a holy moment where I can be witness to this life and those of my friends back in China at the same time.

And where I don’t have to sum things up for others or do the readjusting on my own, because God knows me deeply and wants to do that with me.

Gathered around in the countryside with foster children and parents in Guangxi.

Of course, it’s not so secret to write about these things on this blog, and I hope you won’t receive these words as another, “you just had to be there, you don’t understand.”  Truthfully, my experiences in China have changed me from the inside out in a way that I don’t yet fully understand, and I desire to find a way to share that joy, that power, those blessings.

But God is reminding me this morning that we’ve got to commit all those things to prayer and petition, and to God, first and foremost.  And then the hard part is trusting that the rest really will fall into place.

P.s.  There’s some really amazing stuff out on the internet right now that I feel compelled to share.  Check out Glennon at Momastery‘s post to her children on back-to-school.  My first reaction: Why does this choke me up so? My second: Radical love among kids, the kingdom of God doesn’t get any better than that!

P.p.s.  Rachel Held Evans reposted something entitled “How to follow Jesus…without being Shane Claiborne.”  This couldn’t have come at a better time as I’ve been struggling with the abundance in my new home and really needed some direct, prescriptive words.  Amen.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “In secret

  1. Erin: You wrote “sometimes I’m left with the empty feeling that I’ve misrepresented China, the people, and the depth of my experience there…” Never feel that way! To those of us who read your blog and those of us whose lives you’ve touched, there is a light, an honesty, and a limitless depth that come through in everything you write and everything you do. Let it come out naturally over time. Just be you. The rest will indeed fall into place… Sending love!

    1. Nancy, thank you so much for your encouragement! It means so much. And it was such a joyful reentry into the states to be there with you and your family to celebrate Jessie and Jason. Thank you for your kind words, and for all your love and patience. Jessie (and now Jason!) are so lucky to have a mom like you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s