You probably already know this, but I confess that I’m not nearly as put together as my blog would often make it seem.
For example, you know those pieces of advice that I gave about writing fieldnotes everyday, or embracing the lack of rhythm in the process, or refusing to feel guilty about living your life? I find it just as difficult to heed those as you do!
I had an amazing week of fieldwork, a jam-packed week of living and breathing with people here, and what did I do? I got myself thinking and wishing I was doing more, doubting the work I’ve done, and becoming frustrated with the inconsistency of it all and my inability to plan.
And you know the connection I feel with God in centering prayer and the conviction I feel toward seeking God’s vision for my life? Well, I often let prayer fall by the wayside, and then I naively wonder why God feels so far away. I worry about the future, about my own happiness, and I miss friends and family back home.
In reality, it’s not only fieldwork, but life that is not so clear-cut. Over the last week two of my Chinese friends have shared with me shameful family secrets that are tearing at their hearts, I continue to see the brokenness that is a fact of life in foster care here in China, and witness the struggle of these disabled kids to feel the love and grace that only God can give.
So I just wanted to, nay, I had to confess these heavy things to you readers this weekend. I have to confess that sometimes I doubt what I’m doing or what God’s doing here.
But I’m not going to give up just yet.
In this season of Lent, I’m going to look at confession, look at all our brokenness, and give God praise, recognizing that all that pain, fear, and self-doubt, that’s just me, that’s just us being human, and if we can hang in there, it’s also part of welcoming God, of growing toward God, and letting our great God to be God in our lives.
And I want that.
I’m absolutely sure that whoever I am on the days I’m at my best or not at my best, I’m always in some way or another reaching out, flailing for, sometimes, God-willing, reflecting that God to whom I owe every ounce of goodness and growth in this life.
So thanks for reading about my shortcomings, for beholding them this weekend, and putting up with a little bit of a downer of a post. I hope you’ll accept me and maybe even keep reading my blog. More than anything, I hope you’ll continue to seek truth and goodness even when you’re not feeling up to it. The world needs more of that kind of resolve, and thanks for being a companion on the journey.
P.s. Here’s some inspiration that’s circling the web this week, a quote I’ve always loved from a wise, wise guy:
P.p.s. Here are some other bloggers who’ve been inspiring me lately with their vulnerability, authenticity, and confessions:
- A Cup of Jo on depression and motherhood
- Momastery on talking honestly about God and life
- Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project